In early June, I saw a new naturopath. When I told her about all the hard things I’d been through in May, she said, “Well! Hopefully June is easier!”
I had to laugh because, historically, June has not been an easy month.
June makes me think of hospitals and car crashes. Of red sand beaches and saying goodbye to motherhood. Of lockdown life and relapsing hard.
And now, June will forever be the first full month I spent without my soul dog. </3
All of this to say… there were a lot of tough anniversaries this month and my grip on their memories feels strong and unruly.
There were some wonderful things that happened in June as well.
I finally got to take my Dad for a canoe ride, which is something he loves but never gets to do. His smile out there on the water was worth the wait. <3
Siva’s parents (“Amma” & “Appa” for Mom & Dad, in Tamil) arrived this month after a long, stressful stretch of time for them. They’ll be here for the summer and I hope to eat lots of yummy food and make some more memories with them.
Siva also turned 39 this month. Because we are saving for our next big trip, I gave him the gift of deep-cleaning his home office which made him feel reallllllly loved! <3 It was nice to celebrate another birthday with him! (Our fourth!)
I also met a lot of new dogs via the Rover app, including a six-month-old mini poodle named Winnie who has quickly become my favourite. Every time she looks at me, I feel a surge of serotonin.
Lastly, I ran a really beautiful workshop in June called Magical Mystical Moon and it was really great. It was a smaller group than I’m used to, but honestly, the writing from this group of people was so frigging powerful. I’m amazed. I’m shook. I’ll remember it for a long time. <3
Reading in June
I finished four books in June which feels like a big deal because I think I read zero books in May. I’m glad to be back in a good groove and was very omnivorous with my selections this month.
The Signature of All Things, by Liz Gilbert
A brilliant book that, like most of Liz’z books that aren’t EPL, doesn’t get enough credit for how great it is. I stopped many times in amazement and awe at the amount of research that must have gone into this masterpiece.
The Widow’s Guide to Dead Bastards, by Jessica Waite
This book is a masterclass in:
Not Making Yourself The Hero (The scene where the author texts her dead husband’s mistress on Christmas Eve while making no apologies is, honestly, epic.)
‘Anti-Climacticism’ or ‘Starting Strong But Ending with a Wa-wa-waaaaa’ (The prologue of this book really grabbed me and made me think I was in for some kind of whirlwind hellscape of a marriage involving mental illness and a secret family… but it didn’t deliver. Yes, there is infidelity, addiction, maybe some bi-polar… but the book didn’t take any of those routes to the max and instead decided to focus on parenting wins, and the issue of life insurance.)
Telling Rather than Showing (The little “wrap up” at the end of the book made me want to scream and in fact, I did. I screamed and chucked the book on the ground, refusing the finish it. I hate when memoirists insist of wrapping up every little storyline with a sparkly, golden ribbon. JUST LET IT HANG THERE, JESSICA!)
We Have Always Been Here (A Queer Muslim Memoir), by Samra Habib
I honestly just think that every single person who reads should read this book <3 I do not give the writing a 10/10, but it has 10/10 heart
The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion
A book about grief that comes highly recommended by a friend who knows about grief and it did not disappoint. I feel soothed by Joan Didion’s words and style of writing.
“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect the shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind.”
Eating in June
Sometime around mid June, I decided to say FUCK the medical advice and said FUCK IT to the bland food diet I’ve been following since April. It was sucking my soul dry. I need to eat something other than broth and crackers and rice and bread. I need SPICE. I need ACID. I need FLAVOUR. So, I am slowly introducing these foods back into my diet. This wasn’t a decision I came to lightly… but honestly, the bland food diet didn’t really help, so why bother?!?!?! Will report back.
Playing in June
Candy Crush (again.) After Gnowee died, I was just staring at the ceiling and needed a lil easy dopamine, so I downloaded the app and I’ve been candy crushin’ it ever since. I think I’m on level 551. I’m crushin’ so hard, I see little candy explosions in my dreams, lol.
Observing
There were many days in June when getting out of bed was hard so I started re-watching Grey’s Anatomy. I’m observing that sometimes it is a very good idea to just zone out to a show you’ve seen before.
Recommending
I made a podcast episode about what it was like to say goodbye to Gnowee and a lot of people sent me really kind messages about it. <3 I recommend sitting and talking about the hard thing… even if it’s just to yourself.
Treating
I haven’t made it yet, but I watched a Tik Tok where you freeze green grapes and then put them in your food processor to make kindof an icecream/slushy. I was already sold but then the guy squeezed lime juice all over it and sprinkled it with chili pepper. I AM IN. Will report back.
Submitting
I did a submitting sprint on June 6th and have already gotten some rejections, including a particularly disappointing one from Arc Poetry. To be honest, I’m still riding the high of seeing my poem in Rattle :D
(Oh, and also, I was on Rattlecast on Sunday - listen to me talk to Tim Green by going here - and thank you to all who tuned in!)
Thanks for being here, friend. <3 Big, big love.